oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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