I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
