I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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