everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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