thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
