my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
