i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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