i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
