I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
