This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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