Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Dick very happy bro
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
