Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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