I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
