I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
