Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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