everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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