he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
