Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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