Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
