Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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