The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize