Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
