Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
