just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
