He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
