the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
