I wish I could teleport
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
