Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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