Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Randomize
