do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
