what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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