Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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