so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
