True but thats because hes a fetus.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
