My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
