she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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