i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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