he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
