she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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