Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
