You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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