forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
