dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Help me help you realize you are a moron
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
