escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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