dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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