oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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