Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
