Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
