You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
