A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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