He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
