That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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