I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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