I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
ttyl tear gas
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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